Up for air!

If the silence after being 'shipwrecked' made you worry, sincere apologies. Just a little sea sickness. Reporting now from solid ground, and boy is it a good feeling!

A couple of things clicked into place for me last night. For a while, I couldn’t understand my own silence – I tried repeatedly to write, to share the sunny side here while staying true to my commitment to the e-world (more importantly friends and family), of keeping a blog.

Actually, this (mild) anxiety that I felt about not writing was part of my realization. I didn’t have anything ‘WOW I WANT YOUR LIFE’ to report , issue of a fogged lens really. The way I saw it, things were going pretty badly at work - some serious management issues which were pretty demoralizing so I more or less decided to check out. And for a while I confused my silence/anxiety combo for a noble swallowing of the unpleasant. I was sticking by the old tried and true(ish) wisdom of “If you don’t have something good to say don’t say anything at all.”

Well I see now, that there isn’t much out there that is objectively good. (“Duh!” But hey, we all need to come to our own epiphanies). Its all about perspective, and boy have I amassed a seriously sized treasure chest of that stuff over here. Sharing shouldn’t be constraining let alone demoralizing, it is an opportunity to rewrite and enshrine a perspective that reflects your true nature, out of the storm clouds.

(Side note, I just did a ‘save as’ in my blog folder and there are 8 abandoned drafts in there – to quantify the issue!)

I want to share a piece of wisdom that crossed my path yesterday that offered an interesting potential cause for my woes. Essentially the argument was that people should stop defining themselves by the catch-all status of “busy.”  Admittedly it’s a pretty tempting word to use – not only because most of us feel that way a lot of the time in this day and age, but also because it offers a superficial sense of worth, that ‘hey, I’m so important and people need me to do important things,’ so appreciate me! So perhaps because I wasn't feeling 'busy' enough, I wasn't feeling worthy enough of all the other good things there are to enjoy in Tanzania.

While a bit gruesome, the age-old death-bed question speaks directly to the point. So why NOT do more of the things that we actually care about at the end of our days? Actually value in our lives? Why not define ourselves by these things that we hold close to our hearts? 

Before I share some of the things that I love most about life in Tanzania (which are fittingly NOT work-related!) I hope you’ll indulge me as I share and enshrine a few more pieces of  my story so far. (I won’t be offended if you skip forward to the happy section with honeymoon-ad sunsets and hugging zebras)

Summary - Three (pretty obvious) myths busted:
There’s almost nothing that is objectively good/bad
Being busy doesn’t make people like you more… and
Being uncomfortable isn’t noble

The realization of this third point came about in a comical palm-to-the-forehead sort of way. I read back my first blog post a few times (not as an act of vanity, but to get some inspiration for what to build off of for the next post). And then it hit me! I set an intention to ‘be uncomfortable’ to ‘bob along troubled waters,' to make 'deep dives..' 

And so followed the months of discomfort, disorientation, and the deep lows that I now have come to appreciate for the lessons and renewed sense of self they have borne. Some of the things Tanzania has reminded me of:

-       For a Russian, I am pretty lame at holding my liquor

-       Fairies and cynics can’t coexist indefinitely

-       My big head doesn't do well in heat

-       “Go with the flow” is a dangerous attitude in some environments, and a freeing one in others.

-       Love everyone,  see their genius, and they will do the same

-       Everyone’s got their own path, racing or competition is really an impossible notion at the end of the day

So now to the good parts . This was another part of the ‘click’ last night, and I owe this one to a good friend that has really helped to keep me on the bright side. The questions he asked are probably exactly what I would be sharing if I was my usual fairy self, so I've left them in this original format.

What have you loved most about africa so far?

In Tanzania people live for the day. There is a culture of positive affirmations, for example when greeting people a conversation would look something like this 

Q- How’s the news with you, the day, family, since we last met?

A - Clean, fresh, cool, good, very good, a little good – this last one is if things are going REALLY badly)

Q- How are things?

A- Things are… (Clean, fresh, cool, good, very good,)

Q- How is this moment?

A -Clean, fresh, cool, good, very good.. you get the point!!

Q- You’re healthy?

A- I’m healthy!

Q-Youre fresh?

A -I’m fresh!

… that isn’t even an exhaustive list, but you get the picture. I also find that because this is such a routine part of life, people really put their own flavour into the tone of these questions and replies, it hits a deeper level of communication.

  what’s been your biggest surprise?

The number of animals that have perma-boners

who’s the person you’ve met who’s given the most to you? 
Mango! Well actually he’s a dog--- but the first to jump to mind. Because of him I learned to love animals (pretty big for people that have known me for a while). When I was with Mango I couldn’t think about the negative, I didn’t have the ‘omg what is he thinking about me right now? Maybe I shouldn’t say/do X..’ pretty liberating during tough times and the lesson of his company is a gift that I will have for life.

4.    when you look back on this time in ten years, what do you think you’ll remember & tell stories about?

I’ll tell stories about community. About not having a whole lot but cherishing relationships. I’ll bring back to life the pack of kids that used to jog behind me on my runs around the neighbourhood, the acquaintances that took the time to call me daily just to ask ‘are you OK?’, and the genuine warmth people show to their neighbours. About Freestyle Sundays,  the womb for silly and fearless creative expression. About my coworker giving me a lesson in proper booty shaking, Oh, and maybe about the one time that I went to get my keys cut and a guy did it with a SAW. And sunsets, sunsets sunsets. Huge moons lighting up the indian ocean, glowing plankton drawing a super-human ora around me, the ancient baobab trees standing guard. 

5.    what are you most looking forward to when you get back?

I think its pretty obvious to say spending time with people I love. But I think after this experience I’ll love them in a slightly different way. In a way that’s more unconditional than I could before. I’ve always been a firm believer in that we can only love people as much as we love ourselves. I’ve found a little more love inside here, in spite of the hard times.

Food is a close second (a nice borscht!), and sporting my new dance moves at the club.

This post is really a sigh of relief – it feels amazing to be flowing again. Riding my own wave and not someone elses’.

Ironically, I am back in Dar es Salaam right now, where I first started writing and where that cascade of negatives that dominated the early days . And yes the garbage and noise is still abundant, but it has its charm in a way (no I haven’t lost it completely!).  The city has a great sort of a ‘morning after’ look…

Since I'm here for keeps (got transferred to a new project that focuses on women and renewable energy - cool!) I’m taking it slow this time, feeling things out at a pace that seems right for me. That’s really a euphemistic way of admitting that I was hiding out in my apartment for the first week here. Out to explore now with an open heart,thick(er) skin, and B- Swahili.

Right… and zanzibar, safari, dhow rides, beach time, and a long awaited reunion with my love and BFF happened! Blessed to meet some amazing world travelers and kindred spirits along the way.

Last sunset dhow ride in Mtwara

Oasis in the dessert

Monkeying around with the 'Drunken Scotsman' a memorable character to say the least

Eastern Zanzibar at sunset

Happy Elly;)

Old habits die hard

Adventure buddies scooting TZ! This guy was pretty much the only thing that kept Sina sane while he was in Mtwara for two weeks as I finished up work. And Sina is the only thing that kept ME sane!
 Scooter made another appearance in Moshi (the launch pad for Kili, which we didn't end up doing) but enjoyed hanging out in the town and checking out the sites. Made some awesome friends there and had a pretty unforgettable Christmas experience slaughtering a goat.

Huggin it out in Ngorongoro Crater

Sunrise over lake Manyara national park

Stay fresh, clean,cool and healthy 

 Your Dada,

Ola