Up for air!

If the silence after being 'shipwrecked' made you worry, sincere apologies. Just a little sea sickness. Reporting now from solid ground, and boy is it a good feeling!

A couple of things clicked into place for me last night. For a while, I couldn’t understand my own silence – I tried repeatedly to write, to share the sunny side here while staying true to my commitment to the e-world (more importantly friends and family), of keeping a blog.

Actually, this (mild) anxiety that I felt about not writing was part of my realization. I didn’t have anything ‘WOW I WANT YOUR LIFE’ to report , issue of a fogged lens really. The way I saw it, things were going pretty badly at work - some serious management issues which were pretty demoralizing so I more or less decided to check out. And for a while I confused my silence/anxiety combo for a noble swallowing of the unpleasant. I was sticking by the old tried and true(ish) wisdom of “If you don’t have something good to say don’t say anything at all.”

Well I see now, that there isn’t much out there that is objectively good. (“Duh!” But hey, we all need to come to our own epiphanies). Its all about perspective, and boy have I amassed a seriously sized treasure chest of that stuff over here. Sharing shouldn’t be constraining let alone demoralizing, it is an opportunity to rewrite and enshrine a perspective that reflects your true nature, out of the storm clouds.

(Side note, I just did a ‘save as’ in my blog folder and there are 8 abandoned drafts in there – to quantify the issue!)

I want to share a piece of wisdom that crossed my path yesterday that offered an interesting potential cause for my woes. Essentially the argument was that people should stop defining themselves by the catch-all status of “busy.”  Admittedly it’s a pretty tempting word to use – not only because most of us feel that way a lot of the time in this day and age, but also because it offers a superficial sense of worth, that ‘hey, I’m so important and people need me to do important things,’ so appreciate me! So perhaps because I wasn't feeling 'busy' enough, I wasn't feeling worthy enough of all the other good things there are to enjoy in Tanzania.

While a bit gruesome, the age-old death-bed question speaks directly to the point. So why NOT do more of the things that we actually care about at the end of our days? Actually value in our lives? Why not define ourselves by these things that we hold close to our hearts? 

Before I share some of the things that I love most about life in Tanzania (which are fittingly NOT work-related!) I hope you’ll indulge me as I share and enshrine a few more pieces of  my story so far. (I won’t be offended if you skip forward to the happy section with honeymoon-ad sunsets and hugging zebras)

Summary - Three (pretty obvious) myths busted:
There’s almost nothing that is objectively good/bad
Being busy doesn’t make people like you more… and
Being uncomfortable isn’t noble

The realization of this third point came about in a comical palm-to-the-forehead sort of way. I read back my first blog post a few times (not as an act of vanity, but to get some inspiration for what to build off of for the next post). And then it hit me! I set an intention to ‘be uncomfortable’ to ‘bob along troubled waters,' to make 'deep dives..' 

And so followed the months of discomfort, disorientation, and the deep lows that I now have come to appreciate for the lessons and renewed sense of self they have borne. Some of the things Tanzania has reminded me of:

-       For a Russian, I am pretty lame at holding my liquor

-       Fairies and cynics can’t coexist indefinitely

-       My big head doesn't do well in heat

-       “Go with the flow” is a dangerous attitude in some environments, and a freeing one in others.

-       Love everyone,  see their genius, and they will do the same

-       Everyone’s got their own path, racing or competition is really an impossible notion at the end of the day

So now to the good parts . This was another part of the ‘click’ last night, and I owe this one to a good friend that has really helped to keep me on the bright side. The questions he asked are probably exactly what I would be sharing if I was my usual fairy self, so I've left them in this original format.

What have you loved most about africa so far?

In Tanzania people live for the day. There is a culture of positive affirmations, for example when greeting people a conversation would look something like this 

Q- How’s the news with you, the day, family, since we last met?

A - Clean, fresh, cool, good, very good, a little good – this last one is if things are going REALLY badly)

Q- How are things?

A- Things are… (Clean, fresh, cool, good, very good,)

Q- How is this moment?

A -Clean, fresh, cool, good, very good.. you get the point!!

Q- You’re healthy?

A- I’m healthy!

Q-Youre fresh?

A -I’m fresh!

… that isn’t even an exhaustive list, but you get the picture. I also find that because this is such a routine part of life, people really put their own flavour into the tone of these questions and replies, it hits a deeper level of communication.

  what’s been your biggest surprise?

The number of animals that have perma-boners

who’s the person you’ve met who’s given the most to you? 
Mango! Well actually he’s a dog--- but the first to jump to mind. Because of him I learned to love animals (pretty big for people that have known me for a while). When I was with Mango I couldn’t think about the negative, I didn’t have the ‘omg what is he thinking about me right now? Maybe I shouldn’t say/do X..’ pretty liberating during tough times and the lesson of his company is a gift that I will have for life.

4.    when you look back on this time in ten years, what do you think you’ll remember & tell stories about?

I’ll tell stories about community. About not having a whole lot but cherishing relationships. I’ll bring back to life the pack of kids that used to jog behind me on my runs around the neighbourhood, the acquaintances that took the time to call me daily just to ask ‘are you OK?’, and the genuine warmth people show to their neighbours. About Freestyle Sundays,  the womb for silly and fearless creative expression. About my coworker giving me a lesson in proper booty shaking, Oh, and maybe about the one time that I went to get my keys cut and a guy did it with a SAW. And sunsets, sunsets sunsets. Huge moons lighting up the indian ocean, glowing plankton drawing a super-human ora around me, the ancient baobab trees standing guard. 

5.    what are you most looking forward to when you get back?

I think its pretty obvious to say spending time with people I love. But I think after this experience I’ll love them in a slightly different way. In a way that’s more unconditional than I could before. I’ve always been a firm believer in that we can only love people as much as we love ourselves. I’ve found a little more love inside here, in spite of the hard times.

Food is a close second (a nice borscht!), and sporting my new dance moves at the club.

This post is really a sigh of relief – it feels amazing to be flowing again. Riding my own wave and not someone elses’.

Ironically, I am back in Dar es Salaam right now, where I first started writing and where that cascade of negatives that dominated the early days . And yes the garbage and noise is still abundant, but it has its charm in a way (no I haven’t lost it completely!).  The city has a great sort of a ‘morning after’ look…

Since I'm here for keeps (got transferred to a new project that focuses on women and renewable energy - cool!) I’m taking it slow this time, feeling things out at a pace that seems right for me. That’s really a euphemistic way of admitting that I was hiding out in my apartment for the first week here. Out to explore now with an open heart,thick(er) skin, and B- Swahili.

Right… and zanzibar, safari, dhow rides, beach time, and a long awaited reunion with my love and BFF happened! Blessed to meet some amazing world travelers and kindred spirits along the way.

Last sunset dhow ride in Mtwara

Oasis in the dessert

Monkeying around with the 'Drunken Scotsman' a memorable character to say the least

Eastern Zanzibar at sunset

Happy Elly;)

Old habits die hard

Adventure buddies scooting TZ! This guy was pretty much the only thing that kept Sina sane while he was in Mtwara for two weeks as I finished up work. And Sina is the only thing that kept ME sane!
 Scooter made another appearance in Moshi (the launch pad for Kili, which we didn't end up doing) but enjoyed hanging out in the town and checking out the sites. Made some awesome friends there and had a pretty unforgettable Christmas experience slaughtering a goat.

Huggin it out in Ngorongoro Crater

Sunrise over lake Manyara national park

Stay fresh, clean,cool and healthy 

 Your Dada,

Ola

Shipwrecked!

Sometimes being wrong is a great feeling. You haven't missed your flight yet, those wild berries you bravely sampled don't make you sick, you aren't as lost as you thought. I have gotten scarily good at fooling myself into thinking that I have 'judging a book by its cover' down to a spiritual science. It has become a common party trick. So while our boy Malcolm Gladwell can take a bit of the blame for that one, I feel a need to own up to my own shortcomings. And thankfully, even my misjudgments work out for the best, it seems.

Mtwara, I misjudged you.

I started this post about three weeks ago, two weeks into my Tanzanian adventure. I have been surprised and disappointed at my own loss for words, to the point where writing has felt like an assignment incurring late penalties that you still can’t manage to hammer out and forget about. Frankly, I think it comes mostly from this cocktail of culture shock, inhaled dust, and my big head overheating under the (winter!!!) sun, and my less-than-sunny mood that emerged from it all. During my formative weeks in Tanzania, I am sad to admit that I couldn't see the beauty here.  I saw (and smelled) a sea of garbage, heard a sleepless city, tasted border-line food poisoning, and felt… well, uncomfortable.

Through a series of fortunate events, I was able to make my peace with Dar es Salaam, where I spent the first week of my time in TZ, before heading south down the coast for my new home base, Mtwara.  As much as I tried to pump myself up for a clean slate while in transit to Mtwara on a small, pray-to-god-we-don’t-go-down, plane, no amount of positive self-talk could have gotten me off the “what the hell am I doing here” wave.

I rode that wave (or more like was tossed and pummeled by it) for my first moments in Mtwara. Yet, now, coming up on my one-month anniversary here, I can hardly remember feeling anything but excitement, curiosity and belonging.  Emotional amnesia is a blessing and a curse!

I credit the flipping of my switch to my housemates Gillian and Tanya, who see (and create) beauty here. Gillian is essentially me one year down the road (she started out here as an Aga Khan Fellow last year and ended up staying) and Tanya started her journey here three years ago as a Peace Corps volunteer before getting hired on with the Aga Khan Foundation’s Coastal Rural Support Program Tanzania (CRSPT). 

CRSPT runs on similar principles as the Program where I am working for the remaining 7 months of my 8 month adventure. CARE International administers the program, which is called Pathways to Empowerment. Pathways, which operates in 6 countries in Africa and Asia is funded by Mr. and Mrs. Gates, and is said to be the darling of CARE’s current development programming. The program targets women smallholder farmers, with the goal of improving their productivity and equitable participation in sustainable agricultural systems. The basic logic behind working with women is that they deliver a higher return on development dollars – they use their increased income and social positions for improving the nutrition and education of their families. Pathways has identified what the drivers of change are toward its ultimate goal, in its Theory of Change.

Back to waves and cocktails... (don’t mind if I do!)

I have noticed that my time spent here in Mtwara with Tanya, Gillian, and their wonderfully eclectic group of odd-ball friends, has already taught me something important about community.  It hit me recently that the last time I lived in a social ecosystem where everyone knows everyone was in high school.  And while I would wager that many of us would be praying never to repeat the high school experience again, I feel this tight community is just what I need at this point in my life and career. There is something very humbling about not being able to choose your friends, or the team you work in. It teaches you to be accepting of everyone, and to find a unique love for each person in your community.

In Tanzania people call each other brothers and sisters.(Kaka means brother and Dada means sister… and yes, for the first couple of days it feels like you’re calling women ‘Dad.’ ) You may not even know the name of a guy you have been calling Kaka for months or years… as the case goes with our current night watchman. The way I see it, the mere gesture of calling people brothers and sisters is significant. To an extent, language shapes a culture’s norms and values.

So as the work and social pots simmer steadily, I plan to dedicate special attention to learning the language of Timone, Pumba, and my new dada and kaka. Aside from this romantic side of it all, I expect it will make life and work here a whole lot easier. The villages I have been to so far on my field visits have been very forgiving of my broken Swahili and have greeted me with great warmth and enthusiasm. (Fun fact for the online shoppers—Kijiji means village in Swahili.) I hope to surprise them next time I come around with at least a C- level vocab. Barely hanging on with a D- right now… my miming skills and sound effects have been doing most of the legwork.

While I’ve thankfully climbed out of the murky waters of my initial impressions of Mtwara as a “what the hell am I doing here” sort of place, I still haven’t figured out what the hell I am doing here. And maybe it is for my own good not to try to figure things out, per se. It has been a while since I have just let myself float.  That’s the challenge and the thrill I see before me. Discomfort demands of its subjects new levels of openness, acceptance, risk taking, and personal development.

Karibu to my blog, where I will attempt to chart (or bob along) these treacherous seas. I hope to share some pearls from my dives into the deep with all of you back home in Canada and scattered around the world. 

Sincerely yours,

Dada Ola